I have received a big promotion several years ago. It was the one I had been gearing toward nights of toil, additional work, everything that was right.
The first thing I did? I posted it on LinkedIn.
The “congrats!” likes and messages came in. It felt good. For about an hour. The very following day the feeling had disappeared. It was only a mark on a time line and I was already in a state of stress on the next thing I had to accomplish in order to be able to prove that I deserved it. The validation was a real and yet a very shallow one.
Fast forward two years. I had taken nine months to learn how to make a small and extremely complicated wooden cabinet by myself. I got the joinery wrong three times, purchased the wrong varnish and wasted many a Saturday morning in the sawdust.
After I had finally finished it I hung it in my living room. And I told no one.
It was 100x stronger than any LinkedIn post because of the impression I received when I saw it: that silent, hard, immovable pride.
This is what separates performative success and personal fulfillment.
We are existing in a culture that shouts, “Unless you posted it, it did not occur. We are under pressure to air every victory, every accomplishment, every new strategy and make our lives content that is constantly scrolling.
However, what happens when the best of your life is not content?
But what if your development, your happiness, and your success are to one person only?
🤫 The Myth of “Proving It”
The largest myth of the validation economy is that the recognition of the masses is the end of the line. We have been conditioned to the point where we desire it, we require the digital applause to know that we made a difference.
This exterior-first methodology is tiresome though.
It makes you base your life on the things that are out of your control: likes, comments, and perceived success of other people. You begin to choose the goals to pick depending on their shareability and not on what you really want.
You go and construct a life that appears good rather than one that is good.
It is not the version of you that is acting in the timeline of somebody else.
You get to simply be when you no longer strive to establish your value. You sell the madness of what will they think? Because of the still, strong force of “I know what I did.
🧘 Why Silence is Your New Superpower.
You are not hiding when you hold on to your successes, plans and even wealth to yourself. You’re protecting.
You are making your own sacred, intimate area of your own development.
In this silence, out of the sight of men a little magic takes place:
- Your motives become pure. Do you learn guitar to put a reel or do you like the sound? Wasting money to post a milestone or making a life of freedom? Your why is like crystal clear when nobody is watching.
- You are made tough towards failure. Failing to announce a new project is giving yourself permission to fail, pivot or quit without any explanation. It is an experiment, not an act. This is the place of actual learning.
- You establish unshakable self-confidence. Whenever you do something in secret, you send a strong message to yourself: I am a follow through person, in my case. That gives him or her a confidence that cannot be matched by any outside approval.
This is not about living like a hermit. It is the matter of altering your core audience. The real audience is you.
🌿 How to Begin Living Privately.
It is a psychological change, yet it is accompanied by useful practices. It is the discovery of that balance of being connected and authentic.
- Savor It First. Got good news? A new work place, a complete project, a personal victory? Don’t post it. Not yet. Sit with it for 48 hours. Ask your partner, your best friend or your mom. Make it in your actual world. It will regularly happen that before the 48 hours elapse the desire to share it with the world has disappeared. The secret party was sufficient.
- Move “In Stealth Mode.” Pick one new goal. A big one. Perhaps, it is writing a book, training to a marathon, or becoming a side business owner. Now, enter into a covenant with you: You will not mention it (to any one outside of 1–2 trusted confidants) until it is 100 percent ready. Use the energy you would have used discussing about it, to do it.
- Manage Your “Celebration Circle.” Your life is no press statement. The world does not need updates about you. Rather than broadcasting, find your own “Celebration Circle” the 3–5 people whose opinions really count. Tell them about your victories and defeats. Go for depth, not breadth.
I still maintain that LinkedIn account. But I do no find validation there any more.
I still have that sense of that silent unobtrusive wooden cabinet in my living room. It is a physical reminder of a solid, hard-built thing that is most meaningful to us, which we create alone.
It is a reminder that I am not acting my life. And neither is yours.
And, here, then, is my question to you: What is one thing that you are working on that the world simply does not need to know about?
-Thirah