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The Silent Art of Not Having To Be Applauded.
How I learned to be calm and release the opinions of other people.
I made seventeen phone checks at dinner.
Not that I was anticipating a significant call. However, since I had already written something earlier that day, a well-considered caption, a candid photograph that consumed twelve shots, I had to understand whether anyone was interested. Every notification was a small dose of dopamine. Every silence was a miniature death.
I spent months before I could figure out that I was not living my life. I was performing it.
One of the poorest robbers of peace is the addiction to validation. It doesn’t announce itself. It merely gradually makes you believe that you are judged by the number of likes, nods and approval of other people. And before long, you have sweated out a performance on which no one requested you to perform.
The Noise in Your Mental Head That You Do not Hear.
This is what I did not know: it is not only that we want people to like us when we are seeking validation. It is about having to have outside confirmation that you are important.
You lose something of yourself each time you redefine your opinion so that it fits the room. You train yourself to ignore your own voice every time you say yes when you say no. Whenever you make your life interesting to people, you become even more unlike yourself.
The mental noise is constant:
- What will they think?
- Is this impressive enough?
- Did I say the right thing?
- Why do they not yet make a reply?
It’s exhausting. And it never ends. Due to the need to impress another person, meet another standard, play another character, there is always one more standard to meet.
What Changed For Me
I did not wake up one day and suddenly I was no longer concerned about what people thought. It was messier than that.
I started small. I made a post that was sincere rather than a polished one. I declined an invitation without a voluminous pretext. I expressed my view that I knew was not popular. And you know what happened?
Nothing catastrophic.
There was no stop in the world when I ceased performing. Some people didn’t get it. Some people drifted away. And that was okay. Since the room they had left had been filled with something much better me.
Once you give up the need to get approval, you finally get the energy to go in search of yourself.
The Practice of Detachment
Unattachment to validation does not mean being cold or indifferent. It has to do with establishing a better connection with yourself than with what other people think of you.
Here’s what worked for me:
1. Notice the pattern. Begin to notice when you are doing and when you are being. The performing is more weighty. It is never without a certain grade of low-grade anxiety in the background.
2. Ask the embarrassing question. Ask yourself, before you post, share or say something: Am I doing this because I want to, or because I want a reaction? The answer will surprise you.
3. Do little things of authenticity. Wear something you like but consider to be too much. Speak out about the unpopular opinion. Do not laugh at jokes that you do not consider funny. These tiny rebellions add up.
4. Delay the check. If you post something, wait. Do not check the response at first. Delay the interval between the act and confirmation. Learn to sit with uncertainty.
5. Construct your own approval machine. Develop personal norms that are important. Did I show up honestly today? Did I do something I’m proud of? Did I honour my own values? Let those be your metrics.
What You Gain in the Quiet
The fact that nobody tells you about detaching with validation is the amount of space that it leaves.
It is only when you do not keep an eye on the reaction of other people that you get space to listen to the thoughts of your own. During the times when you are not doing, you find time to create. You can even develop self-respect when you are not in need of approval.
Peace isn’t loud. It does not introduce itself with text messages and cheers. It is the constant silent awareness that you are fine no matter who is staring at you.
And I still find myself at times — building the answer to a question, fishing, glancing around to see whether anybody was interested. Old habits die hard. But now I recognize it. And I can choose differently.
The Truth About Validation
This is what I would like someone to tell me in the future: the confirmation that you want to get with other people will never suffice. You will not fill the void even when you get it. The emptiness is not about them it is about you failing to legitimize yourself.
The best thing that I ever learned was this, I do not need everybody to understand me. I don’t need to be impressive. I do not necessarily require daily affirmation that I am important.
I can just be.
And so can you.
At the dinner table, the quiet is more. My phone stays face down. I am here, and I am here and that is all. The performance is over. The peace has just begun.
How would your life be different if you no longer performed it to others?